The Whirlpool

Have you ever told so many lies that you eventually forgot the truth? Have you ever forgotten who you truly are?  Quite frankly, I didn't even know that such things were possible...

...until now...

          Within months, she had become completely submerged in the whirlpool of lies she had created, going deeper and deeper until she finally could not see light anymore.  The lies pried at her; she tried to push them away, but had no success.  They ate her mind until nothing was left but a swirling mess of lies.  

          She could no longer tell the difference between true and false, reality and fantasy, fiction and nonfiction.  Everything became the same.  Everything was real.  And the whirlpool just kept on spinning.

I Want

I want

to see a whole new world

to open my eyes to a dazzling place

I want 

to see unbelievable horizons
to look around to find unthinkable opportunities

I want

to see from a new point of view

to notice that there is good in this world

I want

to see that it's possible to start over

to live in a place where I can do things right

No Longer

I've lost everything

Things that used to mean the world to me...

no longer important

People I used to love...

no longer matter

Things I used to wish and hope for...

 no longer significant

All I care about

is you

But you're gone

and when you left

you stripped me of my beliefs

my love

my dreams

and now

I've lost everything

I Can't

I lay in my bed, staring at the darkness with large, blank eyes. I want to sleep but I can't. I turn on the light and stare at my book. The words don't make sense; they all blend together and the letters don't look like English letters anymore. I want to read but I can't. I turn off the light and try to remember a day when I was happy. Immediately, I think of all those times with my friends, but I cant remember anything that doesn't make me want to scream.  I want to be happy but I can't. I am suddenly confronted with an urge to cry... Crying always makes people feel better. But tears don't come. I continue to stare at the wall, completely numb. I want to feel, but I can't. My mind seems frozen. It's incapable of thoughts. I want to think but I can't.

Crouched Down

Crouched down

Lost

Holding onto her beliefs

Praying for them to send her a pathway

But knowing that they never will

Crouched down

Afraid

Holding onto her dreams

Praying that monsters are not real

But knowing that devils live among us

Crouched down

Alone

Holding onto a stuffed animal

Praying for it to hug her back

Because she knows it is one thing that will never leave her

Crouched down

Ashamed

Holding onto the moments

Praying for the guilt to diminish

But knowing there is not enough time

Crouched down

Suffering

Holding onto the possibilities

Praying for the pain to subside

Not knowing that pain is necessary

Crouched down

Detached

Holding onto her feelings

Praying that they will matter

But knowing that they never will

Crouched down

Hollow

Holding onto the words

Praying for them to be true

But knowing that they are all lies

Crouched down

Desolate

Holding onto her body

Praying for the shell to remain intact

When everything inside is shattered

Crouched down

Unwanted

Holding onto the future

Praying that someone will want her

But knowing that no one ever will

Crouched down

Defeated

Holding onto her chest

Praying to feel the heartbeat

If only it would last forever

Crouched down

Forlorn

Trying to let go of the past

Praying for the ghosts to leave her alone

But knowing that the past always comes back to haunt you

Crouched down

Hopeless

Letting go of everything

Her prayers are unanswered

Her beliefs do not matter

Her dreams evaporate

The stuffed animal falls to the ground

The moments will not last forever

The possibilities disappear

Her feelings go unknown

She could not see the truth

Her shell was broken

The beats cease to thump

As the past consumes her forever

Untitled

I used to tell her about it. But now, everything stays inside. I

cannot risk it. I cannot go back to that place. Everything has to be a

secret, because, maybe, if I pretend for long enough and try hard

enough, it will all go away... Maybe, the darkness will seep out of me

and I'll be able to see light again. For now, I help her. I do

anything I can to convince her of lies that were once fed to me,

hoping that she believes me, so that she'll escape the pain of knowing

that there's a certain point you reach when you're beyond help, which

is where I am now. I read the things I tell her, the lies about

happiness I feed her and wonder, how, if my soul's as black as they

say, I am able to come up with words that carry so much hope, so many

things I don't believe.

Scared to Live, Scared to Die

I'm scared to wake, I'm scared to think

I'm scared to sleep, I'm scared to dream

I'm scared to love, I'm scared to hurt

I'm scared to act, I'm scared to plan

I'm scared to run, I'm scared to hide

I'm scared to be, I'm scared to hope

I'm scared to live, I'm scared to die

Death

Death comes like a storm. It can be sudden and fierce, or slow and agonizing. Sometimes, it’s predictable.  Other times, it seems to come out of nowhere… Just drop right out of the sky. We like to think we can control it, that it’s preventable and unneeded. But in the end, the only truthful thing about death is that it always comes, and there’s really no way to stop it.

I Need

My hands are
shaking
itching
waiting. 

My feet are
begging
pleading
wanting.

My eyes are
hurting
tearing
hoping.

My mind is
moving
thinking
needing.

I wait.
I want.
I hope.
I need.

Drive

"You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the entire trip that way."
- E.L. Doctorow

The brakes come sudden
the acceleration easy
find the perfect balance
to stay on the road

The fog on the road
won't fade
won't lift
won't go away
without the fog
the road would be too clear
the ride would be too boring
there would be no struggle
nothing left to learn

The drive is long
the destination murky
no one knows when it will end
enjoy it while you can

The sudden twists and turns
keep you on your feet
the abrupt inclines and declines
with the mix of haze
make it impossible
to see far ahead

The stops taken
the impulse turns
the hasty acceleration
are what make life unpredictable
the unpredictability is what
everyone really wants

The spontaneous jerks
the random drops
the horrible crashes
are all part of the drive
though they seem unnecessary, unfair
they are the part of life
that makes life worth living

Introduction and "Pain"

Hello, and welcome to my blog! My name is Honest, and I currently live in the 303 (aka Denver). Hopefully my first post finds you well. This first post is essentially an introduction to me and to what I'm hoping this blog will be about. I'm an aspiring writer, and so hopefully "Rainy Days" will be a place where I can post short stories and poems, and maybe some other styles of creative writing, and hopefully, I'll get some feedback!

My first poem published on this blog will be one I wrote a while ago, and it sort of explains why I write.

"Pain"

The pain felt
the need for something
anything
I try to scream
but nothing comes out
my voice is gone

All that remains
is a piece of paper
a pencil
and the pain