My Place

A place for creativity.aaaaaaaaaaaaA place for self-expression.

A place for brutally honest writing.

23 November 2009

Happy Endings

I used to believe in happy endings.  But now, I know better.  Prince Charmings will rape you.  Fairy Godmothers will deceive you.  People will die.  And the bad guys... The bad guys always succeed in the end. 

22 November 2009


I'm on the floor, sobbing, when you come into the room.  I look into your eyes and silently plead with you.  I need you, so badly right now.  You're the only one who can save me.  Are you going to save me?  You look down at me, and suddenly, it feels like ice is flooding my veins.  You're looking at me, but something has changed.  Suddenly, it's clear that you don't care about me.  I can see it in your eyes.  You don't care if I live, you don't care if I die. 

It's not that you hate me--it's that you're indifferent.  And that--your indifference--hurts so much more than it would if you hated me. 

Everything starts to ache, and the tears come faster.  I didn't even make one small difference in your life.  My life means nothing to you... my life meant nothing in your life.

If I wanted to, I could touch you.  I can smell your shampoo.  You're right here.  So close.  Yet, it's like you never knew me.  Don't you remember me?  We used to talk for hours and hours.  You were the person I told everything to, the only person I told everything to, and at one point, I thought I was the person you told everything to.  But now... looking into your eyes, it's clear.  You don't care... not even a little bit.  

I have to wonder what this means... about me... about the value of my life, or lack thereof.

Did you ever care?  Or was I that easily fooled?

21 November 2009


I try not to listen
but they talk so loud

their words eat at me
from the inside out

I want to hide
never see them again

yet I keep going back
trying to make it through the day

I keep trying to ignore
their harsh comments
their mean snickers

but it seems like they
are trying to keep me down
purposefully hurting me

I wonder what they would do
if they knew
they were killing me
if they knew
because of them, I am dying

I wonder what they would do
if only they knew

19 November 2009


They'd all like to think
that had they known
had they been there
in that situation
they'd have done it differently

They'd all like to think
that they'd have helped
I know, however
that none of them would have
done anything differently

We are not the same...


Unlike you
I have
no desire
to forget

Forgetting would
be like erasing
and they
should never
be erased

17 November 2009

That Girl


I stand facing
the mirror

my insides boil
and burn

With a surge
of hate
the mirror is

But now there
are hundreds
of her
and the hate

I glance
at my bloody fist
still clenched
ready to destroy
that girl
I hate so much

But no matter
how hard
I try to shatter
her image
she just
and enrages me more

I give up
tears streaming
down my face
I fall
to the floor
and cry
until I cannot anymore

From the floor
I cannot see her
but I know
she's there
and I hate her
for still being there
for enduring
when all I want
is to give up

I curl
into a ball
and think back
to whom
I used to be
I remember
everything I was
and hate that girl
for forcing me
to become her

I remember
everything I used to want
when I was little
the dreams
the hopes
the wishes
I was gonna go far
but now
I'm dead

I begin to cry again
it pains me
to think
I am dead
I have become
the girl
I never
wanted to be

I stand up
and see that
monstrous girl
looking at me

The tears are still
but now
I know
that I can beat
that girl

I leave the bathroom
and for the first time
in months
happiness jumps in
my stomach

All of this
will soon be done
the pain
will disappear

I now know
I must slay
the monster

She will die

It's the only way

16 November 2009

This One Moment

Life is too fast

I've been waiting for this
one moment
for as long as
I can remember
and I don't want
it to ever end

This is where I belong
in this moment
with you

Time needs to stop
I need to be able
to pause my life
at this moment
when I'm with you

Let me explain:

I've been living
only for this moment
this one

Living for this

Once it's over
what will there be
to live for?

I'll have nothing left

Will I be able to
physically keep moving?

Is it possible to keep breathing
if your heart stops hoping and
your mind stops working?

Is it possible to keep breathing
if your heart is shattered
and your mind is mush?

I need to stop life
at this one moment

I won't have a life
worth living

15 November 2009

You Belong Here

When I think about this world
I think about you

You belong here
as do the trees
you belong here
as do the oceans
you are as much
a part of the world
as nature is

You belong here
because I cannot
picture this world
without you
not even for
a second

Saying Hello Again

Saying goodbye is extremely difficult

But perhaps... it's not the most difficult thing to do...

Saying hello again after a long time of waiting, wishing, hoping is so much worse...
It's the moment when it becomes crystal clear that his life didn't stop while you were gone...

He grew older
continued living
even moved on

But what's worse
is the fact that
despite all efforts not to,
you did all those things, too...

My First Award!


I logged on for the first time in a couple of days and was extremely surprised to find that I had been given and award from Beautiful Dreamer!  Thanks Beautiful Dreamer; I really love your blog, and it's an honor that you think so highly of mine. Dreaming Beauty:

I started this blog in mid-October, mainly because I felt like there wasn't anyone in my life who I could really trust enough to share these feelings with.  This blog has been such an escape for me.  I have begun to feel so much better now that I am able to share everything with others, and know that there are people who feel the way I do, or understand what I'm going through.  Thank you to everyone who reads my blog!

The rules of this award are as follows:

1. Thank the person who gave it to you

2. Copy award

3. Post it in your blog

4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don't know

5. Link 7 new bloggers as recipients

6. Notify winners of award with comment on their blog

7. Keep being awesome!

So here it goes:
7 things you don't know about me:

1. I am extremely shy

2. I love to sing, but only in my car when no one is around to hear

3. I am not afraid of very many things, but my biggest fear is of miller moths

4. I can't function in the morning without at least two cups of coffee

5. I play basketball (and find it to be almost as therapeutic as writing)

6. I love to travel

7. When I'm feeling scared and alone, the only thing that comforts me is writing

And now, for the 7 bloggers who I am going to pass this award on to:

1. The Final Request blog at

2. The Musings of Ug blog at

3. Unknown Destination blog at

4. My Severed Soul blog at

5. What a Girl Wants at

6. Lessons From The One Who Learns blog at

7. Reasons to Forget blog at

Congratulations to all, and thanks to everyone who is reading my blog, with a special thanks to Beautiful Dreamer!


I would also like to thank Robyn at, who just presented me with this same award.  Thank you so much!

11 November 2009


We all need someone
who will believe in us
who will trust us and love us
who will hope when we hope
hurt when we hurt
thrive when we thrive
cry when we cry
live as we live 

But what about those of us 
who have no one? 

If we hope
no one cares
if we hurt
no one cares
if we cry
no one cares

If we live
no one cares

So then
we can die

And no one will care

That's me
I don't need to live
I have no one to live for
no one who wants me to live

And if you have no one to live for
you have nothing to live for

10 November 2009


You lost your chance--you weren't there to see me succeed, and I hope you regret that.  It's your own fault, you chose to leave.  You won't get to see me when I'm all grown-up, and happy.  You won't get to know the real me, the one who isn't afraid of anything, the one who loves taking risks, loves new things, loves the thrill of not knowing what will happen.  You won't get to see that I live just to laugh. 

You lost your chance.  But what's worse, is that you robbed me of my chance. 

I didn't know it was possible to hurt like this.

I never wanted to say goodbye, but you forced me to.  You robbed me of my chance to redeem myself in your eyes, and every day...every fucking day...I wish for the second chance to fix the mess I created. 

Life goes on. 

But I find myself having major issues moving forward. 

I didn't know it was possible to hope like this. 

I hope for so many things... Mainly that I'll see you again someday, that I'll finally get my second chanc.e 

I miss you.  I hope you know that.  I wish I could talk to you, if only for a moment, a second.  You lost your chance, you robbed me of mine, and yet...

I still wish we could celebrate together someday. 

It's too hard to say goodbye. 

I'm going to "wow" you... Just you wait.
Just you wait.

Separation is hell.

You won't be here

      You hug me, too short and I don't want you to ever let go.  For a moment, that nasty thought enters my mind, and I begin to wonder how much you really care.  But then, I feel warmth blowing in my ear.  "You take care of yourself, OK?" A whisper, so the other won't hear.  Our secret. 
       But why do you care?  You won't be here to see me, tomorrow or the next day.  You won't be here to see me in a week, a month, a year...if I make it that long... You won't be here to see how bad it may get, how much deeper I may sink.  

But what's worse--you won't be here to see me if I succeed.  And that's your fault, and your fault alone. 

08 November 2009

I'm Sick

I'm sick of all this... all this shit that constitutes my entire life.
I'm sick of lying here, wondering what would happen if I weren't here tomorrow.
I'm sick of wondering who would and wouldn't care.
I'm sick of feeling dispensable and worthless.

But most of all, I'm sick of hoping.
I'm sick of thinking that one day, I'll wake up and everything will be OK.
I'm sick of thinking that all this sadness, this misery will all just vanish.

I need to learn to accept that this is the only way I will ever be.

07 November 2009

Excerpts from the Diary of a Depressed Teenager (#2)

I always told myself that I'd be something bigger...something better...something more than "just me."  I thought that if I kept believing that, it would eventually come true.  But it never did.  I'm still me, still nothing, and I doubt I'll ever become anything more. 

Have you ever been scared to look in the mirror because you don't recognize yourself?  That's me... Only for me, it's worse.  This person I have become--this person I don't recognize--is the person I always dreamed of being.  Only now that I'm her, I want to be me again. 

She is tarnished by people, people who talk to her, in her head.  These people feed her lies about how horrible she is, and she believes them, because she has never been told otherwise.

05 November 2009


Why are you moving so quickly?
Why has my world stopped turning?
Why are you happy?
Why am I sad?
Why have you forgotten?
Why must I remember?
Why are you gone?
Why am I still here?


04 November 2009


You left a hole in my heart
now I fill it with
who come and go often
who don't really matter

 As they come and go
the hole grows

I fear
my heart will cease to exist
the hole will be all there is
and that will be so painful
that I will just

Excerpts from the Diary of a Depressed Teenager (#1)

These are small excerpts from diary entries I wrote a couple of years ago. I'll probably post them every so often, when I don't have time during the day to write something new....


You're strong on the outside, but weak on the inside.  You fight and don't let yourself show the pain.  You cry alone at night.  You blame yourself because that it what you've been taught.
When there's no one to blame, blame the bitch.

My insides have shattered, and you don't even realize it.  Isn't it obvious?  Can't you see how much pain I'm in?  Am I really that good an actress?

Wouldn't it be easy if, as when you were little, your parents would come running to you when you began to hurt and cry and ask "what hurts?" But the fact of the matter is, words cannot describe a pain that penetrates this far down.
There are simply no words to describe the pain.


03 November 2009


Death really freaks me out, this horrible occurrence that happens to randomly.

I hate that I'll never see you again, that your existence, your being, you, is gone forever.  I hate not being able to wonder what you're doing right now, not being able to wonder where you are or how you're doing.  I hate not being about to have one last conversation with you, not being able to tell you goodbye and that I love you.  I hate the fact that you're gone--forever--and that no matter how much I cry, hope, dream and will, you will never, ever say my name again.  But most of all, I hate that this world is going to erase you almost instantly, that soon, even your memory will have faded into nothing.  I hate that your entire existence will have turned to dust and been wiped away, like you were never anything important. 

02 November 2009


Don't listen to my words
they're all lies

Listen to my voice
listen to the tone, the sound
of my voice
The truth cannot be hidden
in the way I sound

Don't listen to what I say

Listen to how I say it
listen to the pleads
I try to conceal
just help me
I need you

My words mean nothing

They make you think I don't care
that it doesn't matter

It does matter
I do care

Do you hear my voice?
The way I sound?


like a dumbass
listen to my actual words

listen to the shit
that flows from my mouth

I can lie like a master
my acting is flawless

So just listen

01 November 2009

I am a Good Person

Why does everyone wish I would be more like my brothers? Why am I not good enough as I am?  Why must everyone try to make me into someone I'm not?  I try hard, I work hard, I want to do things right.  But no one ever appreciates me for me.  I am a good person.  I have feelings, wants, desires, just like everyone else.  But no one ever thinks about that.  All they think about is how much I differ from my perfect brothers.  There's always something I could do better.  There's always something I did wrong.  Everything is always my fault.  Always. 

My Fault

Everything is my fault...

When there is blame to be placed
it is placed on me
even if
I didn't do
anything wrong

When someone is upset
he/she is always upset with me
even if
I tried
my hardest

When something goes wrong
I am responsible
even if 
I am the one
who is hurt

When I get hurt
it is my fault
even though
I did 
everything possible

Everything is my fault...

Everything cannot possibly be my fault.  It just can't be.  So then...
...why is it?...